This has never been more evident to me as it is now. On October 14^th, 2011 my dog Atum got out of the yard, and was never seen again. The journey this event has involuntarily put me through has been emotionally staggering. I never knew how attached I was to Atum as I do now. It feels as if a piece of my heart has been anatomically removed with no anesthetics used. This event has filled me with so much rage, anger, confusion, and weakness. Weakness, because I never realized how dependent I had become on Atum, having Atum gave me a sense of purpose, responsibility. He kept me sober.

This is when this emotional journey became interesting, although I felt crushed, I was masking the pain the only way I knew how. That’s when sobriety went out the window, and I began to relapse, repeatedly.

I rationalized that no one knew how I felt; no one knew how much I loved him. To a certain extent I still feel that way. But I was using these excuses to allow myself to go to that very dark place that I had not been to in a long time. When I was high, I was safe; I was protected from the pain of my reality. What Atum once gave me; unconditional love, respect, and loyalty, was gone. My sense of purpose was suddenly removed from my life. Atum was everything to me, and not having him was more than I could bear. This was a pain I had not experienced in a very long time, and it sent me into a drug-filled spiral.

Attachments can limit you and your abilities. This is a perfect example, though I loved Atum with all my heart, I had created this grand attachment, that once served a great purpose, but now that it’s gone, is serving as a great hindrance. One morning as I was coming down, I realized that I needed to say good-bye. I realized that I was getting high, because I didn’t want to let go, I was holding on, as if for life itself. I had to come to terms with my loss, accept that Atum is gone, accept that I may never see him again. It was time to pick myself up, drag my ass into the shower, and move on with my sober life.

No attachment is worth risking your life or health for, and it’s the last thing Atum would have wanted to see me go through. Our time together had come to an end, and now it’s time to take the lessons he taught me, and move on.  Though I will never forget Atum, and quite frankly doubt that I will ever get another dog again, I have to turn a new page.

A lot of factors have prompted all this Personal Legend questioning. I’ve been getting ill a lot lately. I’m not referring to your run of the mill cold or flu. I’m referring to something that is much more connected to your mood and mental disposition. For a while now I have been vomiting and/or nauseated every morning, sometimes lasting the entire day. I’ve missed work, and therefore money over this. Which led me to wonder, was I physically ill or emotionally ill?

Since then I have sought medical attention. I’ve had a biopsy, along with some additional blood work. The type of blood work that identifies Hepatitis B and C, as well as HIV 1 and 2, and every other major STD. All tests came back Negative or Non-Reactive. “Well at least I’m not dying”, I thought. Which prompted me to wonder again, why the hell am I so out of it, so sick, especially in the mornings as I wake up for the day? (As a side note, I also happen to know that I’m not pregnant.)

That’s when my emotional well being came to mind. Was I satisfied with who I was, what I’m doing, WHO I was doing, or NOT doing for that matter? Precisely, was I happy with where I was right now in this very moment?

I’ve often asked these questions in the past. I had always rationalized the red flags, and skewed the answers. In the past when I asked myself these questions the Uni-Verse would whisper to me the answers, but I turned instead to rationalization and denial. Having ignored the Uni-Verse’s whispers for so long, now it is yelling in a way I cannot deny. (To Be Continued as Part 2)

Within, but without.

You had me inside
yourself, but without, I was left.

Wholeheartedly I
allowed myself to intoxicated be by you.

But now, the colors
have changed.

All of these words,
now rearranged, changed the story

And I cannot bear to
hear it,

The story churning

Seems to forget the
reason

You loved me before.

Now a wrath,

I’ve allowed to grow
within

and without.

Like a reflection that
I thought I knew so well,

I glanced again

and recognized,

that a change needed
to be made.

That was the last
time.

The last time.

I watched the tears
pour,

Like the rain,

they poured.

But against the rain

I will continue to
push,

I won’t forgive myself
if I give up trying.

Watch them turn to
dust.

Cause I won’t go
without you.

Will you still love me
even if?

Is this love?

Maybe I’m just a fool,

But a fool I will be
for you.

You know my heart,
fool.

The being within,
wants to see the reflection

without.

Nobody’s perfect.

I trust in giving you
my heart.

Give the being within
a chance,

To be the being without,

You so desire.

Whole I want to feel.

Within and without

And perhaps with no
in between

Love me.

Beautiful in every way
You swayed me your way.
The aroma of your scent,
The look in your
Iridescent eyes.
Stunning, numbing.

Like so many before me,
You kept me coming.
For more I longed,
Adoring you. Of you
I could not get enough.

But like thorns on a rose,
Bloodied you left me.
Quickly I learned
That Mia,
With care you must handle.

Dr. Evil has nothing
On you.
A patient you
Made of me.
Dependent on you
And your substance.

Now in rehab,
I wonder.
How’s my Mia?

First let me begin by saying that I am so excited to be writing again, it has been too long. For me writing is my therapy, and I am in dire need of some good therapy sessions. I hope you are too! I am also excited for the new projects that are in development, and what is to come in the coming year. My life has definitely changed, dramatically!

I have since moved from Massachusetts to Miami Beach, Florida. I started my own business in the cosmetic teeth whitening industry, SoBe Teeth Whitening -”The South Beach Teeth Whitening System”, a mobile teeth whitening company that comes to you, and also contracts with Spas. I also lived in four different apartments, and with four-teen different individuals, one being a trans-gendered male to female individual. I went on to film a reality show, Palace Boys, and managed to get arrested, again! To say that my year has been a circus wouldn’t even begin to describe the reality of my lifes’ past year. I have gone from being a boy from the suburbs of Massachusetts, to now being recognized, photographed, and spoken to and about, by strangers.

Yet with all of these new experiences, I have grown more and more isolated, lonely, and be-wildered. Processing all of these new emotions, and realities, is what I hope to do here, with you; through poetry, essays, and monologues, letting you into my world, a world unlike any other, and one that few get to see and live.

Here we go!

No longer under your influence, no longer intoxicated, sober I can see behind your eyes. I see the darkness that consumes you, that once consumed me too. But I see now why. Why you are so consumed by rage, anger, and darkness. Because in the end, you are not half the man you want to be.

You hit me so hard that you sent my body flying over the tables. The music stopped, the lights went on, and everyone was told to leave. I lay there as they called for help, in this intoxicated state, it was all a blur to me. The sirens, the lights, the ambulance ride.  But like the little man you are, you fled the scene with your friends. Once again living up to the disappointment of being only half the man you wish you were.

Today you say these things never happened. But like a post traumatic stress disorder, I recognize why you deny these events, for you have blocked them out of your mind, as to not have to deal with the real monsters that live in your head.

But now that I am grown, everything’s changed, and fortunately I will never be the same. And this I will always owe to you. Looking at how you have lived your life, always living selfishly, with no real matters, gives me comfort that I will never be like you. For nothing takes away darkness like the light.

You may have tried to break me down, and train me, as if you were training some wild lion for your circus acts. But I am not broken, I am full of love, and always will be. My light now shines brighter than it has ever shined before. And no amount of internal darkness that anyone may bring will put my light out.

I am sober now. Not dependent on you, liberated, enlightened.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships……there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.

Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr.. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always knows where you are, and you’re
always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

The only intellectual thing to do around here is read; thus I have read three books in less than three weeks. Although there ARE other things you can entertain yourself with here, and that is the boys. It amazes me how many cute, sexy, men there are in jail, and their all down to earth!

Of course there is one in particular that I am thinking  about. I don’t know his name yet but he is in the cell next to mine K337. This guy is the definition of beautiful. He is sexy, smooth in his walk and posture, nice and lean with seductive lines and definitions. He has eyes of an angel, and the lips of a boy.

I have fantasized about him many times. In fact since the day I first saw him I have not been able to get him out of my mind. It has been eight days. You can tell he shaves his chest and stomach for it has grown back, it’s sexy. His nipples are pierced too. It just gets more and more sexy. His feet are pretty. They look soft, smooth, and pedicured. The hair on his head as well as his  body hair is light brown, almost blond. The funny thing is, so is the color of his eyes. His eyes exude sex. He is the finest specimen of a man I have seen in a while.

I just want to rip his clothes off and kiss every single part of his body, slowly, like honey. Then take his bottom lip between mine and slowly begin to kiss him while my hands softly and tenderly explore the rest of his body, leading me to his temple. I know I can rock his body electric, making him shake down to his knees like no one has ever done before. Put him in a trans-like state like he does to me.

Taste all of his fluids beginning with his mouth down to his man juice. Mmmm. I can almost feel it’s warmth all over me. If he only knew.

* Written 07/21/2007 while at the Worcester County House of Corrections.

As my mind drifts in the early morning hours of the night, my body tenses up, my toes curl, I feel this need coming from within, escaping through my pores and every hair on my body. It has been too long and my body can’t wait much longer. I’m ready to explode.

Explode, implode, take over me.

Grab me tight from behind, around my waist pull tighter against your body. Give me kisses up and down my spine, the kind that make my body shake.

Bite my neck as you pinch both of my sweet nipples. You know how much I love that.

Let your tongue explore the hills and curves of my lean hard body. Making its way down through the valley just below my back, where the door to all that is great and pleasurable is. Your tongue comes knocking.

I arch my back, and find it difficult to keep up with my breathing, I’m gasping for air, fo you have taken me to the next level.

Invasion

Like two wild beasts our bodies move in sync. Howling, groaning, moaning, thrusting back and forth your man hips. Your man balls crashing into me with each thrust. Sweat dripping from every part of our bodies.

As I arch my back and thrust my head back I thank God for making man in his image.

Our bodies coming together in rhythmic energy only two men can make.

I feel your body begin to shake, your groans getting louder and louder, erupting inside of me, with a rush of warmth, giving me something distinctly yours. Our bodies halt, breathing heavily. We hold each other.

* Written on 07/21/2007 while I was in the custody of the Worcester County House of Corrections for three weeks.

One day I woke up in my own fuzzy dream. Years after my sexual assault at the five-star resort when I was a child, my law suit was finally over. And just like that, I had more money than I knew what to do with. I couldn’t believe that I could afford anything I wanted.

I went to the bank with my big check, and was treated like a celebrity. They offered me anything they could get their hands on. All I wanted was to deposit my very heavy check. At the moment I didn’t realize just how heavy that check would become in my life.

Now I could buy my way into all those pretty pictures in the magazines. BMW, designer clothes, vacations at the Ritz, platinum watches, platinum rings with diamonds, dinner at all the finest restaurants in NYC and Boston, limo rides to concerts, first row tickets at all shows, and my own personal stylist to help me spend my money on Armani. I was really looking for something, just didn’t know what at the time. But what I knew for sure then, was that I was living in my own first class world.

Imagine giving an 18-year-old two million dollars. Now imagine giving a good-looking, gay, 18-year-old two million dollars! My life became a whirlwind of what I thought others expected me to be. By others I mean those that were old money, or even new money, but money no less. Now that I was part of their club, I felt this need to outwardly present myself in a way that would give me access to all the excesses of life. I pretty much wanted to buy peoples friendships.

Never in my life had I felt lonelier.

Yes, I did live in a dream once upon a time. But that dream became very fuzzy, and after all the sports cars, and vacations, one day I woke up, without a dollar to my name, and no food to eat. There I laid on the floor of my luxury apartment crying, hungry, not knowing what to do. My fuzzy dream was now over.